How to Fulfill All Your Sexual Fantasies

Your relationship with desire strongly influences the quality of your life.  If you don’t know what you want, how can you be guided toward the things that will fulfill you most?  Unless you sense your own desire, how can you know what you want?

Sexual fantasies reveal to us some of our deepest desires.  They override our ideas about what we think we should or shouldn’t want, going straight to the source of desire instead.  Imagine what your life could be like if it were somehow possible to fulfill all of your sexual fantasies.

Well, it turns out that every last one of your sexual fantasies can be fulfilled.  You just have to know what fulfilling them means, and it doesn’t mean what you think it does . . .

Tell me what you discover in the comments below. What is the gem hiding in your fantasy that you didn’t even realize was there?

View Video Transcript
How to Fulfill All Your Sexual Fantasies
Steve Bearman
October 10, 2014

What is your relationship like with your desires? Do you know what you want? More important can you feel, can you sense your desire for things that you want? When you can the drive to fulfill those desires is an essential source of aliveness of life force. It motivates you. It shows you what’s worth pursuing, what’s worth moving towards and is it informs your moment-to-moment decisions every day of your life so it’s incredibly important to have a deep relationship with our own desires to be able to feel them. In no realm is this more important than in the realm of sexual desires in particular in their expression in sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies are so important because they override a bunch of our mental functions of the super-ego that tell us what’s okay to want and what’s not okay to want, who it’s okay for us to be and who it’s not okay for us to be. Instead they plug us directly in to the primal, erotic source of our life force. They give us a direct sense of the things that the deepest parts of most wish and long for and so sexual fantasies can motivate us in particularly important ways. The problem is that most of us are distracted by a particular element of our sexual fantasies and so when we try to fulfill them we are trying to fulfill the wrong thing. We miss out on the gem. Rather than try to explain this to you let’s just go ahead and take a moment to have a sexual fantasy together. It’ll have to be your fantasy because it’s gonna have to have all the qualities of your most potent, compelling sexual fantasies and I will just talk you through the process. So first select a fantasy, one that is recurring for you or one that’s currently alive for you because there’s somebody in your life who you desire so strongly. Choose a fantasy and take a moment to set the scene. Now not all of you need to be told to do this but not everyone has sexual fantasies in the same way. Some people set the scene and then they move through the scene as a slow, unfolding sequence of events, like a scene in a movie. Other people just find themselves in the midst of all of those events, happening all at once. It’s kind of timeless. You’re just in the middle of it so if you’re one of those people I wanna ask you, just for this time, to slow it down a little bit, to back up and set the scene of the fantasy, notice where it’s happening, what are the circumstances where you’re about to have this very exciting and fulfilling experience but in particular notice who’s there. Who is it that you desire? Who is the object of desire in your fantasy? It may be one person, it may be more than one person but, of course, you’re gonna pay attention to them. There’s a lot of focus that we put on the object of our desire. So now go ahead and start the scene. Let yourself move into the fantasy. Let it start to happen and notice what about it is so exciting. What’s so compelling? What is it that makes you feel most alive about it? And in particular notice what the object of your desire is like. How are they being with you? What are they doing to you? What are they letting you do to them? What’s the quality in them that makes them so compelling that makes you wanna focus so much on them? And now just pause your fantasy for a moment. Just pause it and we’ll come back to it. I want you to instead for a moment of focusing on the object of your desire to notice that that person is not actually here right now that they are completely and wholly manufactured in our imagination and it’s just you here. It’s you who is doing the desiring and so I want you to sense the quality of desire in you. You are the agent. You are the source of desire and allow yourself to feel your own desire, just claim it and own it as yours. It doesn’t belong to the other person in the fantasy. It belongs to you so now with this sense of your own desire as something that you own, your own energy, go back, press the play button again. Let the fantasy roll and get to the most exciting parts of it but, as you do so, be the person who is the one doing the desiring not merely the person focusing on the object of desire and if you do so you will start to notice not just what the other person in the fantasy is like but what you are like in the fantasy. Who do you get to be in the fantasy? Are there qualities of yours that you get to express and explore that you don’t normally allow yourselves to express and explore in your daily life? Are there ways that you get to be that you don’t normally get to be? Are there qualities of the experience you get to immerse and luxuriate in that you don’t normally allow yourselves – yourself – to immerse or luxuriate in? Now that you’ve got a little bit of a sense of what those are let’s apply it to the particular fantasy that you have so perhaps you’ve got a fantasy in which you just have free reign, full permission to do exactly what you want with someone or to someone, you get to take your virility, your passion, your unbridled energy and desire and act on it and do something with somebody or to somebody that you’ve always wished you could do, all right? And so what you get to be in that is passionate, virile, uninhibited, fully self-expressed, full permission. That’s a quality that you get to enjoy. That’s who you get to be in the fantasy. Perhaps you have a fantasy in which someone is dominating you. They’re totally taking control. They’re pinning your hands behind your head and pleasuring you in a way that all you can do is surrender and so you just have to give in. You just have to surrender to somebody else taking care of everything for you and that’s part of who you get to be in that fantasy. You get to be surrendered. You get to let go. You get to receive and not have to worry about anybody else or doing anything for anyone else. Maybe you have a fantasy in which the most important quality if it is there’s somebody who wants you, who you’ve wished would want you and so you can sense how desirable you and the whole time, whatever it is that you’re doing together, you can just tell that them wanting you makes you something that you aren’t otherwise because you can tell you’re desirable, not merely worthy, not merely wanted but there’s something about your essential nature that is desirable by another. So just luxuriate in that quality. That’s the quality you get to have. Okay now just let’s stop the fantasy if you’re still in the middle of it and just come back to the quality of who you get to be in the fantasy and see if you can allow yourself to sense that quality in your body right now. Maybe it’s your virility and uninhibited passion. Maybe it is surrendering, letting go and receiving and not worrying about anybody else. Maybe it is your being able to sense that you are deeply desirable to your core in mind and body. Let yourself feel that quality and take a few breaths. Breathe into it. Notice where it lives in your body, notice how you experience it as sensations and let yourself feel it even more. You get to have it right now. You don’t need to wait to have any particular experience with anybody else in order to have it. Just see if you can allow yourself to notice what it’s like to experience those qualities already, which you’re doing right now without anybody else around and maybe take them even further, you know? If this is about passion and virility maybe this is really about you getting to be your whole animal self, not having to be structured so much around accomplishments or productivity or work or whatever it is that you think your life is supposed to be about. Instead you get to follow your animal nature. You get to be primal. You get to let yourself feel all those dep feelings that you’ve buried or pressed underground. You’ve allowed them to be unearthed. Maybe that’s who you get to be. This is about surrendering and letting go. Take it further. Maybe there are places in your life where you just wanna be able to tell that you’re safe that it’s okay that you can just finally stop that you don’t have to work so hard or try to hard anymore that you can just already right now just experience bliss, rapture, ecstasy of just being in the moment. If you’re noticing that your fantasy’s about being desirable, take that further, right? It’s this is about being able to tell your core level that you are worth taking up space in the world, all right, that you are a being that others wish to be around and if you can sense that is true then you can sense that maybe you wish to be around yourself. Can you let yourself enjoy yourself? Can you pause everything and just enjoy being alive, being pleasure, experience beauty, you know, that maybe you never let yourself pause and enjoy? It’s not merely some superficial quality that you get to experience in these fantasies. It’s deeply important. These are pointing you towards aspects of your life that need to be expressed and, right now, you can start to let yourself fully feel them with nobody else around and nothing actually happening. You can try to fulfil your sexual fantasies by actually attaining the object of your desire and [laughs] doing the things with them that you’ve imagined but that might not work out so well because those are fantasy people, they’re in your imagination. Real people are different. Real people are messy. Real people have their own desires that might compete with yours or be different. There’s awkwardness [laughs] in reality. There are all these things that might not allow you to actually get to the thing that you get to when it’s just your fantasy and so to really fulfill all your sexual fantasies means allowing yourself to be the kind of person that you are in those fantasies, embodying those qualities that you get to embody in the fantasies, letting yourself fully become that person and you can do it now without anyone else around and figure out what it would mean to move from that quality to make decisions from that way of being as a person. Now you may be someone who doesn’t actually have sexual fantasies. Not everyone does. Some people don’t have a perfectly active sexual life but just don’t fantasize. Some people don’t feel sexual desire at all. This can be done with any kind of positive interpersonal fantasy you have, any fantasy you have for something that you wish you could have in an interaction. It is an equally good place to explore these qualities of who do you get to be in the fantasy, what are the qualities that you get to fully embody for yourself? So remember start with the object of desire because they get you in touch with it is that you want. Then at some point drop the object of desire and sense yourself as the source of desire. Then notice who you get to be in the fantasy and allow yourself to experience those qualities. You can go through that whole sequence in 30 seconds in your head when you’re in the elevator on your way to work, when you’re in the car, anytime, as a reminder to yourself of what it is that you wish to be, what it is that you are when you have fulfilled your deepest desires.

About the Author

Steve Bearman, Ph.D., earned his doctorate in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz. He founded Interchange Counseling Institute in 2002 and is the lead teacher of Interchange's San Francisco-based year-long counseling and coaching training. When he's not counseling people, leading workshops, and advocating for social justice, Steve climbs mountains, adventures in the urban wilderness, explores the edges and limits of what's possible, deconstructs everything, and finds new ways to put it all back together.